You're Doing Amazing

fiction

Brad proposed to me in my hometown of San Diego, at a place that doesn’t really exist, Joseph’s Cove. I don’t think I am in love with Brad, I don’t know that much about him. He always wears the same black turtleneck and tan pants, I’ve never seen him in anything else. But he did buy me a pair of gold earrings, which no other suitor has done. I was previously dating a comedian named Devon, but it was recommended to me to date someone of higher celebrity status.

Brad and I met filming a reality show at my Bel Air mansion which, honest to God, doesn’t have one speck of furniture in it. I’ve walked through every room of the house and even done a photo shoot on my grotto and there isn’t so much as a folding chair. I don’t live there or sleep there (I don’t sleep at all, I don’t think), but I’ve filmed various episodes of my reality show there, to which I get paid thousands of dollars and gain many fans. I’ve been spending the bulk of my money on clothes and accessories, and most recently a tiara for my little cat.

Anyway, Brad and I were at Joseph’s Cove, staring at one another, and he asked me to marry him and I had the option of saying yes or no. I knew that if I said yes I would get a ring, an accessory that I wouldn’t have to pay for. I didn’t know what would befall me if I said no. I said yes, for the ring, but then a slew of wedding dresses appeared, none of which I could afford. I keep getting told to PICK OUT A WEDDING DRESS ALREADY.

So until I can, or if I can, I go on dates with Brad. Just this morning we spent eight hours drinking beer at a ski lodge in Vail. I’ve been warned that if I DON’T marry Brad I may lose fans. But I found out I can go on dates with whoever I want, and as many people as I want and it doesn’t affect my lifestyle. Brad is the most famous person I’ve encountered so far, aside from Kim, so it doesn’t make much sense to actively pursue other people, at least in a serious way.

When everything began I was working at a little clothing shop, which I now own. It actually didn’t take that much time for me to propel myself into a more financially rewarding and fast-paced career. Now I act, model, and, as I mentioned, star in a popular reality TV show filmed inside my empty Bel Air mansion. Oh, I also own a vineyard in Napa that I rarely venture to. I don’t recall ever expressing to anyone that I wanted to be a celebrity or a vineyard owner, but the opportunities kept coming to me, so I kept taking them.

I guess I haven’t truly spent much time trying to understand how I got to where I am now. They say fame is kind of a whirlwind that way. One day you’re a nobody, and then suddenly, you’re a somebody. What I have learned is that you must be very reliant on other people in that you have to hire a good team, you have to be very cautious about how you speak to people, and you have to remember that every person you encounter can either do something to escalate your current position, or ruin it! This has been made easier to navigate because most of the time, I am only given two to three options of responses to the things people say to me and ask of me. I can usually accept or decline a job, a date, etc. Sometimes I can choose silence, but I’ve lost money a few times by doing that. I am routinely rewarded for being an active participant, but I can’t be snarky.

I have an agent, a publicist, a fiancé, and I am very close with Kim and her family, which so far seems to be the most important relationship of all. I don’t really know why Kim and her loved ones like me so much. I haven’t had any in-depth conversations with them (never had the option), though I have helped them with their various business ventures whenever the occasion arises. They seem to appreciate this.

I am beginning to consider what my purpose is. I’ve traveled to exotic places: Dubai, Florence, Paris. But whenever I get to a new location there are only a few restaurants or stores I’m allowed to step inside. Otherwise, I’m always standing on the street, waiting for a task. Sometimes this makes me feel lost.

I’ll get messages from the universe that I think are intended to help me, but they feel more like warnings.

“If you date someone for a while, they might want to have a child together.” the universe told me once. “In your Bel Air mansion, you can admire your trophies or rearrange your closet,” it said to me another time.

Maria, my publicist, will sometimes pop in to tell me that I need to “keep up appearances” for the media, and try to get me to buy something from the store that I blatantly can’t afford. She really likes it when I buy property.

Eventually, I will unlock every option that is available to me. That is to say, I will peak. I will be such a massive star that there won’t be any projects left for me to do. The point of this, I believe, is to enjoy my wealth. Once I’ve reached ultimate stardom, I can fill up my mansion, perhaps by more properties, a private jet, and get my cat that silk cape.

I’ll be honest and say that I actually do enjoy the busyness of my career (if you’d call it that). The instant gratification that comes from fame and connections (money, fans, etc.) does make me want to continue. I wonder if this is the lesson Kim is seeking to impart on me. But both of us will have to slow down eventually, right?

It certainly doesn’t look or feel like I’m going to age. Is this the Hollywood dream? To be young forever with unlimited wealth, property, adoring fans, a closet full of trophies and clothes? The other day I won a humanitarian award after “mingling” at a party. I am not sure how this correlates.

Before all of this happened, I was sitting at a real desk in a real place talking to my therapist through a screen. He said that despite how often I credited myself on my growth (valid) I was still hitting a wall. I was filling my life up with tasks and activities to avoid my real feelings. I bit my human nails and scratched at my vulnerable skin and said that he was right, but what am I supposed to do about it?

Slow down, accept comfort, relinquish control.

A gaggle of stars burst forth from the floor, awarding me another hour of energy. If I ration things right, I could squeeze in two more projects today. But first, I buy myself a new dress.